Things I Should NOT Have Done Last Sunday in Church

***I was backsliding at Bedside Baptist this past Sunday.  This post refers to the Sunday before, in case you were keeping track of my churchgoing practices.

***I stole the term Bedside Baptist from my friend, Joan.  I don't know if she reads this, but I just wanted to give her due credit.

1.  Should not have gone and sat by myself in one of the front pews.

2.  Should not have had such a macho attitude thinking I could go to church with three kids, alone, with a bad back.

3.  Should not have let on that I had a bag of pretzel thins in my stash.

There were so many things that I could have done differently the last Sunday I attended church.  They have a nursery.  Why didn't I drop Audrey off in there?  I was in "go" mode.  Audrey was in the pack, I was already running late so I decided just to find myself a spot and get settled in as quickly as possible.  My friends were sitting in the pew across from me, but I didn't notice until I had already sat down with the kids.  I thought a few times about retreating over there for some support, but I didn't want to cause any more disruption.  Audrey started to fuss in her carrier so I sat her in my lap.  Ha!  That didn't last long.  She kept wanting to crawl towards the organ in front and I had to hobble over to her and pick her up in a very ungraceful manner.  Then the kids started in with their usual mantra, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee're huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry.  Of course you are.  I waited a while to give in to this one.  I realized I had some pretzel thins in my bag.  Eureka!  That would keep everyone satiated and quiet for a few minutes.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Ahhhhhh...until Audrey started turning purple (okay that's a total exaggeration, but great for effect, don't you think).  I kept giving her pretzel thins and became distracted by Will and Ella.  At one point I did think, wow, she's really putting those pretzel thins away.  I thought those were hard for her to chew.  Since I was so distracted and she was facing away from me I did not notice that she was simply storing away slobbery pretzel thins in her cheeks like a little chipmunk.  Next thing I know she is gagging on her snack and I am whacking her on the back in a panic.  I look over at my friends and say silently, oh my God.  Great, now I just used the Lord's name in vain, IN CHURCH!!!  Sorry God and thanks for not letting my child choke.  After slapping her back a few times Audrey urped up a huge wad of brown mush.  Now what to do with this wad of goo that is sitting warm in my hands?  I put it back into the original bag of pretzel thins, gather up my stuff as quickly as possible and leave the church with my body temperature ten degrees higher than usual and feeling completely mortified, like the worst mom in the world. I couldn't help but think about the ways that God humbles us and gets us (eventually) to laugh at ourselves.  He must have a good sense of humor.